And if the network you’re on has Twitter blocked, but you’re Jonesing for more of my “witty” banter, here are some of my favorites.
[Bill Holmes: FYI, the “I” in this story is not me. The author wanted to share this info without being identified. Can you blame him? ]
I looked online and it’s hard to find direct, simple instructions, they tend to get academic or theoretical about it.
It’s very simple: APPLY HARD PRESSURE!
Once, I cut myself on the job trying to free a piece of metal, and got smacked in the forehead with the metal piece, and it was flowing pretty steadily. I got a paper towel and applied hard pressure for about 15 minutes and it stopped bleeding.
Another time, I dropped a ceramic bowl, it broke, bounced in the air, and the edge landed on top of my foot, right on a vein. It was practically a gusher and I had visions of bleeding to death like Stephen Foster. I did the same procedure and after about an hour, it stopped so I could steri-strip and bandage it. No stitches needed, although a doctor would have probably insisted.
A few weeks ago I developed a large skin tag on the side of my nose, real sightly! It was gradually drying out and it seemed safe to snip it off with a scissors. But it was not as dried as I thought and it started flowing pretty steadily from a small hole, not like a scrape or tear where 2 sides of the skin could fuse together. But I applied hard pressure for about an hour and it stopped.
So this is good advice for anyone who has kids or lives alone.
There’s something on the kitchen counter. I’m thinking it’s a shriveled, rotting potato. Not that we usually have that sort of thing on the counter, but that’s what I’m thinking.
I point at it and ask my wife, “What is that?”
“Elizabeth’s rock,” wife deadpans. “She’s convinced it’s a fossilized dinosaur tooth.”
I just laughed out loud. Of course! Why didn’t I see that?!
NOT ALL THIEVES ARE STUPID
(from somewhere on the Internet)
1. LONG-TERM PARKING:
Some people left their car in the long-term parking at San Jose while away, and someone broke into the car. Using the information on the car’s registration in the glove compartment, they drove the car to the people’s home in Pebble Beach and robbed it. So I guess if we are going to leave the car in long-term parking, we should NOT leave the registration/insurance cards in it, nor your remote garage door opener. This gives us something to think about with all our new electronic technology.
Someone had their car broken into while t hey were at a football game. Their car was parked on the green which was adjacent to the football stadium and specially allotted to football fans. Things stolen from the car included a garage door remote control, some money and a GPS which had been prominently mounted on the dashboard. When the victims got home, they found that their house had been ransacked and just about everything worth anything had been stolen. Read more
Please DONATE to Harmony Haven Therapeutic Riding & Horse Rescue’s fundraiser to build better shelter for the winter. Thanks.
Standard wheat harvest protocol in the US is to drench the wheat fields with Roundup several days before the combine harvesters work through the fields [because] withered, dead wheat plants are less taxing on the farm equipment and allows for an earlier, easier and bigger harvest
Sad news. He was one of the greats. We saw him in retirement at Kentucky Horse Park several years ago.
Wow! Good news!
- Eliminating all simple carbohydrates and gluten
- Eliminating processed food
- Eating more vegetables and fruits
- Eating wild-caught fish
- Meditating twice a day
- Starting yoga
- Increasing sleep to between seven and eight hours each night
- Daily supplementation of coenzyme Q10, fish oil, melatonin, methylcobalamin, and vitamin D3
We bred two of our standardbred mares to a Gypsy last October, and now we are spending all our nights waiting for their arrival. We will need some names. “R Bad Girl” is one mare, and “Linear” is the other. The name of the stud is “Cowboy.”
Guess who foals first, with the hour and day. The due date was September 30th, so it can happen at any moment!!
I was up a little earlier than usual this morning, which apparently surprised one of the cats in our house. The thing is, we only have one cat. Any more than that is too many. This one — either a stray or just one of the neighbor’s cats, I don’t know; either way, it’s apparently our cat’s buddy — was just coming out of my bathroom where we keep the cat food, and I was just coming out of my bedroom. It saw me and casually strolled back into the bathroom. It probably then thought better of that move, fearing I was headed toward the bathroom myself — you know, to get some of that tasty cat food for myself — so it came back out and took off running past me toward the back pet door. The only problem is that dogs and cats just can’t get any traction on our hardwood floors, so it was slipping and flopping as it tried to run as fast as it could.
It made it past me and out the pet door without a problem, probably because I just stood there, half asleep and half amused at what I was seeing. I couldn’t see much this whole time because the house was almost completely dark except for the light from the master bathroom nightlight behind me and the nightlight in the “cat food” bathroom ahead of me. So, I wasn’t entirely sure that wasn’t just our cat, Sunny. It was only after I went into the kitchen to make coffee and turned on the overhead light that I saw Sunny sitting there alternately looking at me, then the pet door, as if to say, “Did you see that?! There was another cat in the house!”
As if she didn’t already know that! I’m just chalking it up to life’s way of preparing me for when my little girl starts bringing home unwanted boyfriends who will probably also want to eat my food.
List of Culprit Drugs:
- Excedrin PM
- Tylenol PM