The Holmes Family Newsletter
A Newsletter With A Mission In Life!
Vol. 1, No. 9
November 21, 1989
The Environmental Issue
Only 34 days 'til Christmas
And where will this year's celebration be? Well, Lucy has offered to sacrifice her house for the cause. But, if you want to host A Holmes Family Christmas at your house, go ahead. Nobody really cares, just so long as it's somewhere. Either way, there's time to think about it.
Bill locks himself in apartment
As you may know, Bill caught the garter belt at the reception. Well, apparently, he has locked himself in his apartment and refuses to leave. "I don't want to get married!," he stated. "I can't afford it." We will keep you posted on this crisis situation.
This week, live via satellite from Germany, we interviewed Mike (Remember him?)
For those of us who would like to get involved in a cause, here are a few going on in the California area:
FORESTS: Called "ancient" or "old growth" forests by conservationists, portions of the Pacific Northwest, including Mount Shasta, the Trinity Alps, the coastal mountains around Eureka, and the rest of the Giant Redwoods, are under severe threat of being "clear-cut" (totally leveled) by the timber industry to pay off debts. "Liquidating" trees is happening. Fortunately, however, groups like the Sierra Club and the Wilderness Society are taking the timber companies to court to try and stop this "liquidation." After being "clear-cut", the forest is then replanted with whatever happens to be the fastest-growing tree from the area, and only that type of tree. This creates a "mono-culture" and makes the area uninhabitable to creatures that once were there. Possibly even more important, the soil is then open to erosion, making it impossible to grow things there anymore. Soil erosion hurts the fishing, too, by silting up gravel beds used by salmon and trout.
WATERFOWL: The Nature Conservancy and Ducks Unlimited, along with the Sierra Club and Audubon Society, are continuing to buy up land and designate wetland areas as wildlife sanctuaries. Wetlands around California and the rest of the U.S., not to mention other countries, are vanishing quickly to developers of new condos, malls, marinas, etc. In an effort to keep viable populations of birds and other wildlife, environmental groups have enlisted the landowners' cooperation in preserving the wetlands instead of draining them to plant crops and for other reasons. Ninety-five percent of California's original wetlands are now gone. Many areas remain unprotected.
[If you wish to contribute to any of the above causes, please send your contributions or questions directly to the above-named organizations. Don't bother the people at The Newsletter. They'll just keep any money you send, anyway.]
Dad not perfect!
In an exclusive interview behind closed doors with the Holmes Family Newsletter, Dad revealed that he is not that model of perfection that everyone thought he was. Eleanor refuses to believe it. Doug was left speechless (so you know he was shocked.)
HOW TO BE AN USHER
by Bill Holmes
Many people have asked me, "Bill, what's it like being an usher?" And I tell them flat out, "It's not as easy as you might think. Being an usher requires tremendous responsibility. First, there's the rigorous training one must go through. It's called "rehearsal".
For your copy of the paperback version of "How To Be An Usher", send all your money to The Holmes Family Newsletter.
PLEASE RECYCLE. USE THIS NEWSLETTER AS TOILET PAPER AFTER YOU'VE FINISHED READING IT. THANK YOU