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Things
You Need To Know

Vol. 2, No. 10, July 16, 1990

"Pioneer Portuguese" now available

World famous Portuguese historian Lionel Holmes's latest work is now available at a store near you. Don't be surprised if they're sold out. Sales have been brisk. Quick, order one today!
Dad had his picture taken and will be interviewed today, Monday, by the local Sacramento publication Neighbors. Neighbors appears as an insert every Thursday in the Sacramento Bee.

Doug chases bear; survives

Doug, Greg, June, Aileen, Bryan, Andy and Don went camping over the 4th of July weekend at Twin Lakes which is near Yosemite.
Doug spotted a black bear and immediately chased after it in a screaming rampage, intent on providing dinner for the party. Bryan was right behind Doug, also in a screaming rampage, but fearing for the bear's safety, Greg stopped him. Doug never did catch the bear but got some great video footage.
Doug, Jeannie & kids are planning another camping trip in the middle of August somewhere near Tahoe. See Doug or Jeannie for details.

Doug plans family documentary

National Geographic has commissioned Doug to do an in-depth documentary called "The Holmes Family: Where Do They Come From, And Why Are They Here?" There will be videotaped interviews of all the Holmes Family children and everyone is urged to compete, er, participate.

BIRTHDAYS, ETC.

John "Lumpy", July 1
Andy "Big Boy", July 3?
Steve A., July 4
John & Jeannie's Anniversary, July 17?

FURNITURE UPDATE

Denise and Steve have gone and bought a piano. It's a beautiful little spinet. Bill, our roving piano tester, tested the piano the other day and reports, "It sounds great! If I only knew how to play, it would've sounded even better."
In other furniture news, we're happy to report that Don and Diane's elevated bed is still elevated.

SPORTS UPDATE

  • Lucy of Livingston, CA, silver medalist in last year's Police Olympics 30K Run, ran again this year and our roving reporters were there. How did she do? Well, we'll just let Lucy answer that one. "I finished, didn't I?"
    Steve ran with her for the last few miles, just to make people at the finish line think he ran the full distance. But there wasn't anyone at the finish line but our roving reporters, and they were too busy roving and reporting to notice.
  • In less important sporting events like World Cup soccer, it was a repeat of 1986 with Argentina vs. West Germany in the finals, except that this time West Germany won. Of course, Team USA never made it past the preliminary round. They're not a bad team, really. Maybe they'll do better in '94 when they'll have the home field advantage.
  • In tennis at Wimbledon, Stefan Edberg defeated Boris Becker and Martina Navratilova beat Zina Garrison. Bill never made it past the preliminary rounds, in the women's division. It was embarrassing.
  • In "that Tour de France thing", defending champion American Greg LeMond was at this writing running third, with half of France yet to cover.

STUPID STORIES

[This week's installment of "Stupid Stories" features a delightful little story by a struggling young "artist" who requests anonymity. This story was originally panned by one of our literary critics, Lucy, but we're printing it anyway.]

REMMY GETS GAS

Remmy pulled into the gas station and jumped out of his pickup. He went to the rear of the truck, checked his reflection in the camper shell window, smiled at himself, and slid the gas nozzle into the tank.
He left the pump on automatic and wandered over to a soda machine sitting next to the cashier's booth. He calmly, coolly slid a few coins into the coin slot and pressed his selection. Nothing happened. He pulled on the coin return handle. Still nothing. He hit the machine a couple of times with the heel of his hand. Nothing. Finally, he backed up a step or two, checked to see no one was looking and kicked the soda machine.
"Ouch," he said, hopping on one foot. While he hopped, the soda machine began to smoke, hiss and belch. This was something new. Probably not good, he thought, but something, at least.
The gas station attendant looked up from under the hood of a car at the sound of the soda machine's convulsions. He was holding someone's dipstick in his hand. He slowly wiped the dipstick off with a rag, pointed it at Remmy, and shouted something. But Remmy never heard him because that's when the soda machine exploded.
The force of the blast, plus the fact that he was balancing on one foot, knocked Remmy to the ground. The station attendant dropped the dipstick and started toward Remmy. Remmy saw him coming, picked himself up off the ground and made a dash for his truck.
With the station attendant hot on his trail, Remmy leaped onto his truck's hood, slid down the other side, opened the door and jumped into the cab — all in the space of about two seconds. And his tires were squealing as he pulled out into the street.
A moment later, Remmy heard a clattering noise coming from the side of his truck. It was the gas hose. He'd forgotten to pull it out. He sneaked a peek out the rear view mirror to get a better look at the havoc he had wrought. What he saw through the dirty windows of the camper shell was a blackened soda machine tipped over on its face and, in the foreground, the gas hose writhing on the ground like a wounded snake, bleeding gasoline in every direction.
And Remmy felt bad about this. Guilt consumed him. The ruined soda machine; the inadvertently stolen tank of gas; the bleeding gas hose. It was almost too much to bear. But what could he do? He thought about going back and paying for the damages, but didn't. He wasn't feeling that guilty. Financial considerations were always the best defense against guilt.
Wait a minute! What was that he just said? Financial considerations were the best defense against guilt! Of course! It was so simple! And yet, somehow, so profound. Remmy repeated it over and over to himself, "Financial considerations ... financial considerations ..." He wrote it down so he wouldn't forget.
And Remmy was never the same again. He later formed his own religion. THE END

[If you have a stupid story like this one that you'd like to contribute, simply write to: "Stupid Stories", P.O. Box 0, Chicago, IL 60609.]

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