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Big News
& Other Stuff

Vol. 2, No. 5
[Yeah, another new name.]
March 19, 1990

Mike to return early

Mike has had a change of plans and expects to return from Germany at the end of March, assuming his mom can afford the return airfare. Otherwise, Mike runs the risk of being stuck in Germany and getting drafted into the German Army! Or maybe being forced to return to America on a Greyhound bus driven by a replacement driver! Please, don't let this happen! Give now to the "Bring Mike Home" fund!

Doug due late April
(for a couple weeks)

Here's Doug's itinerary after leaving Yankeetown, Florida [Dick & Alberta Krueger's winter home]: Clearwater, Florida; Sanibel Island; Corkscrew Swamp; Everglades City; Tamiami Trail; Everglades National Park; Florida Keys (Key Largo, Key West); Miami Beach; Hollywood; Fort Lauderdale; Pompano Beach; Boca Raton; Lake Worth; Palm Beach; Cape Canaveral (here he will be seeing two cousins, Irene Poutinsen and Alice Robinette, and is also scheduled to be an observer on the next space shuttle); Tallahassee; Montgomery, Alabama; Jackson, Mississippi; Rockport, Texas (visit Uncle Lenny); Arizona (bird watching); Cupertino, California (Mother's Day show at Vallco Fashion Park—4/30-5/13) [will be available to accept birthday gifts]; Sacramento; southern California; Sacramento; across the country to the east coast; across the ocean to England; Paris, France; Casablanca; Beirut; Calcutta; Borneo; Melbourne, Australia; Honolulu, Hawaii; Los Angeles, California. Make your reservations now for "Doug's World Tour"!

Dad elected

Lionel Holmes, aka Dad, of Sacramento has been elected as a "Corresponding Member" of the Instituto Historico da Ilha Terceira, a world-renowned institution in the Azores that needs no explanation here. What is a "corresponding member"? "It means I'm entitled to membership privileges," Dad explained. Why was Dad elected? "Probably has something to do with that book I wrote," said Dad. "I hope this means I get free trips to the Azores!"

Don builds computer

Don , recovering computeraholic, has built a PC-type computer all by himself, from scratch! "I was deeply moved and inspired by an article in The Holmes Family Newsletter, [Vol. 1, No. 7] on how John was building a motorcycle from scratch," Don explained. "I'm so proud of him!," added Diane, with a tear in her eye.

Chance wins in Oakland!

Not so lucky in Pleasanton

On March 3, Chance (call me "Chancer") [redacted], a Rottweiler from Lathrop, won the "Open Bitch" class in an Oakland dog show. Chance's handler, Lucy, who was making a comeback of sorts after being out of action for over a year and a half, stated "We thought for sure she'd go on to win the 'Overall.' But no such luck."
"We should have won," said Jeannie, owner/breeder. "Next week, we'll try a different handler."
Well, the next show was in Pleasanton. And Chance made "the cut" (top twelve), but failed to come away with any ribbons. Chance has won five times throughout her career and has yet to come away with any points. (15 points makes a champion). But she's not giving up. She's slated to compete in the "Raisin Circuit" which consists of shows in Tulare, Visalia, Fresno and Bakersfield.

Bill starts school

On March 5, Bill returned to school after a ten-year absence. We asked Bill what he will be studying, and he said, "I'm not sure. But the course lasts seven months. So, I feel confident I'll figure it out by then."

Conan speaks!

Diane and Don's cat, Conan, astounded everyone the other day. Lights from the heavens shone down on him and angels sang as Conan announced that he is, in fact, L. Ron Hubbard reincarnated. "We suspected it all along," said Diane knowingly.
"Just look at the similarities," Don added. "They share the same birthday, March 13; they both have, or had, red hair. I could go on and on!"
"He could go on and on," Diane confirmed.

Miscellany

Remember that disturbing story in the previous issue about RC Cola changing its design? Well, guess what? Dad's Old-Fashioned Root Beer has done the same thing! What is going on here?!

Jacoby & Meyers, the fast-food chain of law firms, claims "We've been on your side since 1972." Whose side were they on before that?

Don seems to attract earthquakes. Everywhere he goes, there's an earthquake. He was in San Francisco on Oct. 17 for that 7.0 quake, and he was in L. A. on March 28 for their 5.5 temblor. "Earthquakes are fun!", says Don. So, next time Don calls and says he plans to visit, be prepared.

Speaking of earthquakes, did you know Lucy has a chunk of Oakland's Nimitz Freeway in her living room? "We had to knock down a wall to make room for it," Lucy explains. "But I like it. It goes nicely with the fireplace." And her son Mike promises to bring back a piece of the Berlin Wall when he returns from Germany. What is it with the [redacted] family? Innocent rock collecting? I don't think so.

Watched "Sacramento's finest" arrest a drug dealer living in my apartment complex. It was good, wholesome Friday evening entertainment, although a little anticlimactic. There wasn't any gunplay, or anything. By the time they brought the guy and his girlfriend out in handcuffs, both the Police and the suspects were laughing it up like they were best buddies, or something. That was a bit strange.

You know, I'm growing increasingly upset by those Foster Farms commercials espousing the virtues of "beautiful downtown Livingston." Now, I've been to Livingston many times, and I cannot see any resemblance between those commercials and what I've seen in person! Also, in the same vein, there was a t.v. movie on Wednesday, the 14th, which supposedly took place in Minnesota, but was actually filmed in downtown Sacramento and West Sacramento! How can they get away with stuff like this? And why wasn't I notified they were filming so I could maybe get into a crowd scene? It really ticks me off. If I knew or cared who my Congressman was, I'd write to him.

MEDICAL UPDATE

Dad, our medical reporter, is happy to report that Uncle Lenny has successfully undergone an aortic aneurysm operation and is now home from the hospital and resting comfortably.

UPCOMING EVENTS

Easter Potluck Dinner
When: 1 PM, April 15 (Easter)
Where: Steve & Denise's
Why: Because

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

  • "I enjoyed your Billy Club newsletter very much. It's always very nice to hear from you."
    — Grandma, Oakland CA
  • "Your story ["One of Those Days"] was interesting, but we focus on peace, human rights and environmental themes. Continue to spread peace."
    — Ray GoForth, "Bad Haircut" (a periodical)
    [Yeah, right.]
  • "I'm writing to you because I had some extra scratch paper to get rid of. Nothing personal. . . I just got my mail yesterday after 2 1/2 months! . . . I thought I would get mail from some other members of the family after I sent all that info about our family tree, but Nooooooo! . . . I blame it on your newsletter. I bet letters between the family have dropped dramatically since you started last year with that darn thing. I hope you get what's coming.
    ... By the way, why don't you name the newsletter "Club Billy" or "Trash Times" or "Holmes Chronicle" or "Dead Beat" or even "The Bogus News." These more perfectly describe that filth you call journalism! . . . Have a nice day.
    — Doug, raving lunatic, former roving reporter

FASCINATING FACTS

  • The "ZIP" in "ZIP Code" stands for "zoning improvement plan."
  • The botanical name for celery is apium graveolens dulce.
  • You should roast a duck at 325° about 30 minutes per pound.

  • Saudi Arabia does not adhere to the international time zone system. [Should have known]
  • Linoleum was invented in 1860.
  • There are 86 acceptable two-letter Scrabble words.
  • Fifty cents is the proper tip to give a restroom attendant.

WANTED:  Roving Reporter

Successful applicant will be detail-oriented, flexible, willing to travel, enjoy working long hours without pay, have own tools, clean DMV record, and know how to drive a forklift. Duties include: heavy phones, heavy lifting, light typing, some janitorial. Must have BA, Ph.D., IQ or WD40. No experience necessary. Excellent benefits. Send resume with salary history and recent photo to this newsletter. Allow 6 to 8 weeks for response.

HOROSCOPE

If you were born between March 21 and April 19, you are an ARIES and you are "bold, impulsive, confident and independent." I guess that means if you're a man, you're a real manly man. And if you're a woman, you're a pain in the ass. [I can see the hate mail coming already!] Your favorite team is the Los Angeles Rams; you like to set things on fire; and your all-time favorite t.v. show was "My Favorite Martian."


MAUDLIN WANDERER

Visited my old stomping grounds, the downtown bus depot. And, yeah, the memories came flooding back.
I remember Ol' Clem the Pegleg. Me and Ol' Clem used to sit out in the alley where the buses come in. We didn't do nothing. Just kind of sat there. But, oh boy, were those good times. Once'n a while we'd maybe stand up and lean against the wall. Of course, this was kinda tricky for Ol'
Clem, 'cuz of his pegleg, and all. But he always managed to find a way. He could lean with the best of 'em.
When we got really rambunctious, we'd have spitting contests. Clem usually won.
I wonder whatever happened to Ol' Clem. Last I heard, he was stuck in the luggage compartment in a bus headed for Tallahassee.

UNO MAS

BLOOD ON THE BLACKTOP

The capacity crowd was chanting "Blood on the blacktop! We want blood! Blood on the blacktop! We want blood!" as they awaited the start of the big tennis showdown between Steve and Bill.
Steve sneered and issued an evil cackle.
Vultures hovered overhead.
Bill laughed and tore off his shirt.
The glare was blinding.
Bill was first to serve, and he tossed the ball high into the air, leaned back and stroked the ball with incredible precision ... right into the net. The crowd went wild! Bill finally settled down, however, and managed to win the first game.
Now it was Steve's turn to serve. And he bounced the ball once. He bounced the ball twice. He bounced ... well, you know.
Finally, he served. And to everyone's surprise, it made it over the net! The crowd went wild!
This sort of thing went on and on, with Bill serving next, then Steve, then Bill again, like that, until the first set was over and Steve had won six games to Bill's two. Steve had won the set and match, two sets to one! The crowd went wild!
But wait, it wasn't over yet. Bill wanted to make it best of five sets. And this time, they'd be playing by L.A. rules, i.e., if it looks good and sounds good, then it must be good.
It didn't matter, Steve won this set, too, five games to two.

For tickets to the next showdown, call Bill. Major credit cards accepted.

BOOK TALK

This week, Eleanor, our staff book reader, suggests a few books worth reading.

  • Anything For Billy
    by Larry McMurtry

  • Billy Bathgate
    by E.L. Doctorow

  • The Skull Beneath the Skin
    by P.D. James

[With two out of three having the name "Billy" in the title, you know they're worth reading.]

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