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The Holmes Family Newsletter

Vol. 2, No. 8
"Anniversary Issue"
May 25, 1990

[Editor's Note: This is the big one! The big enchilada. The killer tomato. It's the anniversary issue! (Aren't you excited?) It was one year ago today that a young man with a dream founded "The Holmes Family Newsletter," only to be arrested and declared criminally insane the following week. From his cell, our founder says "Hi ... have you seen my socks?"]

Steve wins lawsuit

Steve's dental malpractice lawsuit has finally been settled. We can't tell you how much money he got because there's a clause in the settlement agreement forbidding disclosure of the amount. However, a reliable source has hinted at seven figures.
In a related story, Steve is now wearing braces. "Just call me 'Metal Mouth'", says Steve.

Bill wins lottery

Bill picked four numbers in the May 12th Lotto and won $640,000! Unfortunately, eleven thousand other people also picked four numbers and Bill's share was only $58. "I'm upset," said Bill. "I already had that money spent."

Don & Diane build bed

Don and Diane have built one of those old fashioned four-poster beds with a canopy, except there's no canopy and the mattress is where the canopy should be. "Kinda like a tree fort," says Don. Tours are given daily 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Bring a ladder.

Diane leads expedition

Diane led a recent expedition through Desolation Wilderness (near Tahoe). Don, expedition spokesman, said the purpose of their mission was to make contact with alien life forms. Doug, the expedition cameraman, videotaped the whole thing. Bill was there also, but only lasted one night. "The last I saw of him," said Doug, "he was wrestling with a bear. But he's always doing that."
"I think he was abducted by aliens," said Don gravely. Diane added, "We may never know what happened, really."
On the second night, it snowed and the expedition team was forced to hike back to the truck in the dark while coyotes followed, watching, drooling.

Mike gets promotion, puts in patio

Has Barbecue

[that about says it all]

Your Environment and You

With Doug

NEWS: So, what have you got to say for yourself?
DOUG: Well, if you haven't already been recycling your household waste, there's never been a better time to start!
NEWS: What if you already have started?
DOUG: Shut up. Your town may have a curb-side recycling program, and then again, maybe not. Even if it doesn't, you can recycle at least 75% of your trash! Let's run through the list of what can be recycled.
Newspaper. Some places want it in paper grocery bags. Others want it bundled up with string.
Letter paper. Junk mail, like this newsletter . . .
NEWS: Hey, watch it.
DOUG: ... can be recycled. Envelopes with windows should have the windows removed.

  • Computer paper. Some places want this separated from other paper since it's higher quality.
  • Magazines. I always remove the staples. It may not be necessary, it's just something I like to do.
  • Cardboard. Things like cereal boxes, milk cartons, etc. Just put it all into a big cardboard container ...

NEWS: Like a refrigerator box?
DOUG: That'll work. Fold things flat and pack it all in tightly. Grocery stores and some malls take cardboard.

  • Glass. All peanut butter and mayonnaise jars, juice and beer bottles and the like. You should separate the colored from the clear glass.
  • Metal. Tuna and vegetable cans, jar lids and such.
  • NEWS: Wait a minute. What was that about beer bottles and separating the coloreds?

DOUG: I said 'separate the colored bottles from the clear ones.'
NEWS: Oh.
DOUG: Aluminum. Some places have machines outside the store that pay for your aluminum. Other machines give you a ticket and you have to go inside the store to get the money. I just find the nearest bum.
NEWS: And do what?
DOUG: And give him my cans! Pay attention.

  • Plastic bottles. Most places only accept beverage bottles (since they have to by law), but there are some rare places that accept motor oil bottles. If you put any other plastic into the receptacles outside stores it only ends up in the local dump, or "sanitary landfills." For the time being, you just have to throw out all other plastic packaging that isn't listed here. The problem is that there are many different resin types and they can't be mixed.

NEWS: I see.
DOUG: Oil. Take your old motor oil to a gas station or auto repair shop.
The best solution to reducing your throw-away trash is to reduce the amount you buy at the store. If you save bread bags, you can bring 2 or 3 to the store to hold your vegetables or fruit instead of using the plastic bags they provide. Avoid buying items in plastic bottles when glass is available. Buy milk in cartons instead of plastic. Same goes for eggs. Don't ever buy things in styrofoam packaging!
NEWS: If we catch you doing so, you will be shot.
DOUG: Carry a durable tote bag to the store like they do in Europe, or re-use the paper bags they give you. Don't ever use the plastic grocery bags. Don't believe it when bags say they are "degradable in sunlight." Bags get buried before they ever get a chance to degrade.
NEWS: Why, those no good ...
DOUG: A few stores, very few, will recycle the plastic bags they give out. If you're only getting a couple items, tell them you don't need a bag.
NEWS: Stuff things into your pockets!
DOUG: Uh, yeah. Pay for it first, though. There's a number you can call if you don't know where to take your recyclables: 1-800-225-5333. You can also call local authorities such as City Hall, the Mayor's Office . . .
NEWS: The Police. An ambulance!
DOUG: If you want. Or recycling centers in the Yellow Pages. You may be able to get rid of things at your office . . .
NEWS: Assuming you have a job.
DOUG: Would you stop interrupting?!
NEWS: Sorry. Go on.
DOUG: Well, now I'm done.

Miscellany

  • Can you believe it?! You get four out of six numbers in the lottery, and all you win is $58!!?
  • Have you heard about the support group for people who talk too much? It's called "Onandonanon."
  • Eric McGovern, of Monrovia, CA, is a brown belt in karate and has two cats. Eric is Doug and Bill's friend, though he's more Doug's friend than Bill's. Bill used to play racquetball with him. But then, Doug used to play pool with him. So what carries more weight, pool or racquetball?
  • Did you know the CHP uses radar even though they're not supposed to? Well, they do. Just one more reason to overthrow the government.
  • So, what do you think the new name for "manholes" should be? How about "sewer-holes"? Can you believe this story made the national news? If I had any civic pride, I'd be embarrassed.
  • They say the "average" person moves just twice in their lifetime. Do you know anyone who's only moved twice?
  • Steve's eyes, once brown, are now green! — raising speculation that Steve's body has been taken over by aliens. He has been acting strange lately.
  • Speaking of aliens, Don and Diane have a new cat. It's name is Bart and has yet to come out of the closet. [place joke here]

Quotes to Remember

  • "I've always liked pants made from pool table tops." —Diane
  • "What kind of singing and dancing does Doug do at his shows?" —Grandma

Sporting News

  • "Unbridled" won the Kentucky Derby. Summer Squall finished 2nd and Mister Frisky (the favorite) finished 8th. Two weeks later, Summer Squall came back to win the Preakness, with Unbridled finishing 2nd and Mister Frisky a distant 3rd. Summer Squall will not compete in the Belmont Stakes.
  • Hockey's Stanley Cup finalists this year are the Boston Bruins and Edmonton Oilers. At this writing, Edmonton led the seven game series 2 to 1.
  • In basketball, the playoffs are down to Detroit v. Chicago and Phoenix v. Portland. Detroit and Portland should win their series, with Detroit winning the championship again.
  • In baseball, the Oakland A's are leading the AL West, while the S.F. Giants are somewhere near the bottom of the NL West. We predict this year's World Series will be between the A's (3rd year in a row) and the Pittsburgh Pirates, with the A's winning it all.
  • In tennis, Bill defeated Doug 6-3, 6-2 on Monday. "I let him win," said Doug. Then Doug got his revenge on Tuesday, winning 6-0, 6-3. "The sun was in my eyes," said Bill.
  • In volleyball, Steve's league team is doing well. "We expect to make the playoffs," he says. Watch for Doug to maybe make a cameo appearance with the team soon.

Letters to the Editor

  • "I am sorry you lost your money at Tahoe. It would be best to stay away from Tahoe. I am sorry that I am not able to send $25,000 to help the newsletter, so I am sending you some stamps." — Grandma, Oakland
  • "My two week stay with Uncle Lenny was really a delight. I drained him of all information having to do with the Specht side of the Holmes family — nothing left but a hulk. So, I'm now the expert and will soon be writing up everything I know in the form of a book of some sort. In addition, I made use of Lenny's video camera and started a movie project which will be the story of our ancestors in picture form. To top it all off, I've got a video of Lenny telling the story of his father, Emil [redacted], and a video with the story of the Liska family (our grandmother) and the [redacted] family in New York.
    Lenny has recovered from his recent operation and will be going to Germany for 18 days in June. He wanted to let everyone know that they are welcome to come visit him (in Texas, or Germany, if you want) and he would really enjoy the company. He's a great host. You wouldn't have to do much leg-pulling to get a ride in his airplane, either. He son Erich took me up for a couple hours of old time barn-storming and general hell-raising. Flying up-side-down and 15 feet above the freeway is quite a thrill! (By the way, Erich just got married to a really nice girl — Marie.) I really do recommend that everyone take the opportunity to get to know Uncle Lenny. He's a very nice and interesting person. Lenny's address is: ?????, Rockport, TX 78382, (512) ???????.
    For a view of the above-mentioned videos, drop by Dad's place while I'm there (until the end of May), or I can arrange to send you a copy. Please be sure to enclose a blank check." — Doug

For Sale

Puppies. German Shepherd. 3 female. 1 male. Call Lucy at (209) ————-. Mention this newsletter and get 10% off!

Holidays, Etc.

May 28 Memorial Day
June 14 Flag Day
June 17 Father's Day

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