Old stuff, but some of it's still funny ... It's basically the precursor to this website. Click the links in the table of contents, above. Otherwise, just do a search in the home page's search box for "newsletter" (without quotes). ... read more
The Wandering Eye
Vol. 7 No. 1, March 19, 1995
[We're back! Sorry it took so long between issues, but the entire staff was frozen solid in a block of ice the past three months. We just now thawed out. You know how it is. We should have known better ... read more
Yee-Haw
The only newsletter we do!
Vol. 6, No. 7, December 29, 1994Belinda Has Puppies!
Another one of Lucy's dogs has gone and had a litter of pups. This time the mother is Belinda, a Rottweiler, and she gave birth to a litter of ten, nine ... read more
Coyote Breath
Vol. 6 No. 6, October 26, 1994
Don rides to Denver
In August, Don rode his motorcycle from Nashville to Denver. He wouldn't say why or what he did while in Den ... read more
Itchy Trigger Finger
Vol. 6, No. 1, February 6, 1994Earthquake in Southern California!
We're sure you've heard all about it on the news, but we just wanted to mention it in case you've just recently emerged from a cave. It happened at 4:31 a.m. PST ... read more
The Happy Hairball
(something we keep coughing up)
Volume 5, Number 8 December 20, 1993
Publisher: This guy —>>
Editor: Same guy
Distributor: Brave little delivery boys and girls worldwide
Address: Nashville, TN 37215
... read more
The Rotten Apple
"Journalism with visible holes"
Vol. 5 No. 7, December 1, 1993
Mike Rolls Car!
LIVINGSTON, CA - Remember we told you about Mike's new car in the previous issue? Well, he ... read more
Hoot and a Holler
Vol. 5, No. 6, September 28, 1993 — Nashville edition — Journalism at its finest! — Yearly subscription rate: $135
Brouns family buys property
LATHROP, CA - John, Jeannie, their kids, Tiffany and Thomas, John's sis ... read more
the rabblerouser
Vol. 5, No. 5, August 8, 1993
Bill moving to Nashville
Bill is moving to Nashville, Tennessee to pursue his boyhood dream of being a country singing star! Oh wait, that's Don's boyhood dream. Bill's just moving there for the hel ... read more
Not Just Another Newsletter
MONDAY, JULY 19, 1993
CIRCULATION: From 8 to 15
(depending on our mood and how many stamps we have)
Copyright 1993 Bill Holmes Enterprises 2 pages
BILL ARRESTED
That's right. Bill, this newsletter's editor, was a ... read more
A Face in the Crowd
Vol. 5, No. 3, May 25, 1993
Eleanor Gets License
After taking the DMV driving test every year since the age of 16, Eleanor has finally passed and been given her drivers license!"It just goes to show that perseverance pays o ... read more
The Sacred Cow
Vol. 5, No. 2, March 15, 1993
Dad sucked from plane!
Well, almost. And it was 41 years ago. [Hey, nobody can accuse us of being accurate or current (or relevant, for that matter)!]Anyway, as a big corporate executive for McGraw Hi ... read more
The Stupid Kangaroo
Vol. 5, No. 1, February 1, 1993
Editor's Note: This newsletter welcomes the New Year (kicking and screaming, but that's to be expected) and we wish all our readers (and a few others) a happy, healthy New Year ("Boldog uj ev!" in ... read more
The Leaping Lizard
Vol. 4, No. 8, October 20, 1992
EDITOR'S NOTE ... After Grandma's recent birthday party (see article below), this newsletter was swamped with requests from people wanting to be added to our mailing list. (Someone had apparen ... read more
The Belching Frog
Vol. 4, No. 7, September 16, 1992
"Thomas should like this name."
Doug returns again On August 26, Doug returned from Europe for the second time in as many months. Of course, ... read more
The Barking Dog
Vol. 4 No. 6, July 22, 1992
"Who names these newsletters, anyway?"
Earthquakes, earthquakes! We're sick of earthquakes! Why doesn't the government do something ... read more
The Broken Record
Vol. 4, No. 5, June 25, 1992
"Predictable, irritating. Really, no redeeming qualities whatsoever."
L.A. riots: The aftermath In the aftermath of the Los Angeles riots, religio ... read more
The Squeaky Sprocket
Vol. 4, No. 4, May 11, 1992
"The intelligent person's newsletter of choice."
Riots in L.A., Earthquakes in So. Cal and Eureka! Is the world coming to an end? Probably. And did you notice that all these things ... read more
The Leaky Faucet
Vol. 4, No. 3, March 18, 1992
"More of the same, basically."
Doug elected president With this nation in the throes of its quadrennial tradition of political rhetoric and b.t., one name has gone relatively unnoticed: ... read more
The Leaky Faucet
Vol. 4, No. 2, February 13, 1992
"The quintessential newsletter."
Warning: May not be suitable for the humor impaired.
Elvis lives!
Yes, all your prayers have been answered! "The King" is
alive and ... read more
The Leaky Faucet
Vol. 4, No. 1, January 4, 1992
"Everything you've ever wanted to know about anything."
Diane has surgery
On December 3, Diane of Hayward, CA had back surgery done on her back (always a good place to have back sur ... read more
The Leaky Faucet
Vol. 3, No. 8, December __, 1991
Steve & Denise host Thanksgiving Turkey was served and everybody ate it. What else is there to say? Okay, so it was an excellent meal thanks to the efforts of ... read more
The Leaky Faucet
Vol. 3, No. 7, October 14, 1991
Mike lands great job!
Michael has been named Executive Producer of Cal State Stanislaus' new bi-weekly
cable television show. It will basically be a show focusing on happenings on campus, and
Mik ... read more
The Leaky Faucet
"Irritating, yet soothing. Obnoxious, yet hypnotic"
Vol. 3, No. 6, July 30, 1991
Sapphire dispute settled out of court Steve of Sacramento, CA, invested in a sapphire venture a few ... read more
NEWS
Vol. 3, No. 5, July 6, 1991
Northern California's leading newsletter since 1989
(except for those few months when we were Southern California's leading newsletter)
Record heat melts Sacto!Molten steel and rubber cover city The mercury has ... read more
the
Evening Star
Post-Tribune
Dispatch
(we couldn't decide on a name)
Vol. 3, No. 4, June 4, 1991
Bikers ride to Yosemite On Mother's Day, John, Jeannie, Don and Diane (collectively known as "Hell On Wheels") rode their motorcycles to ... read more
and now ...THE NEWS
Vol. 3, No. 3 (yes, only "No. 3")
April 26, 1991
Doug returns from Hungary
On March 21, Doug left Sacramento for Budapest (pronounced "booda-pesht"), Hungary. Taking advantage of a tickets-for-mugs trade w ... read more
the
NEWSLETTER
Vol. 3, No. 2, February 10, 1991
It's a girl... and a boy and a girl and a boy ...
Chance, a dog, has given birth to seven little dogs. Three boys and four girls! Hasn't she ever heard of birth control? The puppies' ... read more
news
from
La-La Land
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
Vol. 3, No. 1, January 4, 1991
Newsletter editor murdered! The editor of this newsletter was apparently murdered "some time over the weekend" according to police. We think it was our editor, anyw ... read more
NEWS, ETC.
Vol. 2, No. 15, December 18, 1990
"Christmas Issue"
Lucy to Host Christmas
Lucy will be having Christmas at her house this year. It's a potluck
affair. Only those with food will be allowed in. Says Lucy, "It'll be ver ... read more
The Daily Gargoyle
Vol. 2, No. 14, November 16, 1990
"Just when you thought it was safe to open the mailbox!"
[Editor's note: For those of you who actually believed, or hoped, that there wouldn't be any more newsletters, well, all we c ... read more
Hometown News
Vol. 2, No. 13, October 20, 1990
[Editor's Note: This is most definitely the last issue.]
Bill graduates!
After seven months, Bill has finally completed his computer
programming course! The school, MTI Business College (a schoo ... read more
The Newsletter
Vol. 2 No. 12, September 17, 1990
"Your Only News Source"
It's a girl!!
We asked Denise if she could hurry up and have the baby because we
wanted to put out this issue. And, sure enough, she had the baby two weeks earl ... read more
the
NEWSLETTER
Vol. 2, No. 11, August 13, 1990
Doug makes pilgrimage
Doug, aka "Sluggo", made a pilgrimage to the Mormon church's genealogical library in Salt Lake City over a week ago and hasn't been seen since! Several theories have ... read more
Things
You Need To Know
Vol. 2, No. 10, July 16, 1990
"Pioneer Portuguese" now available
World famous Portuguese historian Lionel Holmes's latest work is now
available at a store near you. Don't be surprised if they're sold out. Sales ... read more
WORLD NEWS
"Award-Winning Journalism"
Vol. 2, No. 9, June 14, 1990
Dad kills rattler!
Special to the News
Back from a week in the wilds of Arizona, Dad and Eleanor told of
battles with man-eating coyotes and vicious attack-rattles ... read more
The Holmes Family Newsletter
Vol. 2, No. 8
"Anniversary Issue"
May 25, 1990
[Editor's Note: This is the big one! The big enchilada. The killer
tomato. It's the anniversary issue! (Aren't you excited?) It was one year ago today that a ... read more
the
NEWS
Vol. 2, No. 7, May 1, 1990
[Editor's Note: We would like to apologize for that last issue, but we won't.
We'd like to say it'll never happen again, but hey.]
Mike gets job
Mike has taken a job as a process server for a Modesto priv ... read more
the
NEWS
Vol. 2, No. 6 [Back in spite of popular demand.] April 16, 1990
WORLD NEWS
Mike is back from Germany and looking very European. (Fancy haircut,
pale complexion, but otherwise healthy.) He's having trouble getting used to speaking
E ... read more
Big News
& Other Stuff
Vol. 2, No. 5
[Yeah, another new name.]
March 19, 1990
Mike to return early
Mike has had a change of plans and expects to return from
Germany at the end of March, assuming his mom can afford the return airfare. Ot ... read more
Billy Club
A newsletter for the 90's and beyond!
"News That Hits You Over The Head"
Vol. 2, No. 4, February 26, 1990
Coyote has puppies!
Lucy's dog, Coyote, had four "little shepherdy things" on
Friday, the 23rd. Yeah, ... read more
Billy Club
Vol. 2, No. 3, February 8, 1990
[aka Bullseye, Hard Copy, The Holmes Family Newsletter]
Diane now a doctor
Call her "Dr. Holmes" now. Diane Holmes, D.C., to be
exact. She passed her exams last month and is now officially a ... read more
Bullseye
Vol. 2, No. 2, January 26, 1990
[formerly known as Hard Copy; before that, The Holmes
Family Newsletter]
Denise expecting!
Taking her cue from Lucy's dog, Coyote, Denise is also expecting
puppies, er, that is, a child sometime m ... read more
HARD COPY
Vol. 2, No. 1
"Hard-Hitting Journalism"
January 3, 1990
[formerly known as The Holmes Family Newsletter]
Predictions for 1990
Elvis Presley will still be dead.
Vice-President Quayle will be kicked out of office and reas ... read more
The Holmes Family Newsletter
A Newsletter With A Mission In Life!
Vol. 1, No. 9
Worldwide Circulation
November 21, 1989
The Environmental Issue
Only 34 days 'til Christmas
And where will this year's celebration be? Well, Lucy ... read more
The Holmes Family Newsletter
Vol. 1, No. 8, October 23, 1989
Earthquake!
Where were you when it hit?
Don was just leaving his office on the 15th floor in downtown San Francisco when the whole building started to shake. "I sur ... read more
The Holmes Family Newsletter
Vol. 1, No. 7, October 5, 1989
[Let's face it, these things are going just keep coming.]
Steve arrested
Steve received his first speeding ticket ever recently. Of course,
this is the first car he's ever had that co ... read more
The Holmes Family Newsletter
Vol. 1, No. 6a*, September 17, 1989
Everyone seems to be on a diet these days. Lucy and Jeannie are trying a low carbohydratehigh protein diet. Don's trying good old reliable starvation. Eleanor is on the ... read more
The Holmes Family Newsletter
Vol. 1, No. 5, September 5, 1989
Jeannie breaks elbow
Placed on Disabled List
Lathrop — While attempting a "sling-shot" maneuver during a roller derby match last month with teammates Tiffany and Thomas, ... read more
The Holmes Family Newsletter
Vol. 1, No. 4, August 1, 1989
Largest Tri-Weekly Newsletter Circulation in the West!
[tri-weekly (tri-week'lee) 1. we TRY to get it out weekly)
[Editor's Note: This will probably be the last issue. See artic ... read more
The Holmes Family Newsletter
Vol. 1 No. 3, July, 1989
[Editor's Note: Due to profanity, nudity, and the mature theme of this issue, parental discretion is advised.]
M ... read more
The Holmes Family Newsletter
Vol. 1, No. 1, Since 1989
September 25, 1989
[Editor's Note: This may be the only issue, so pay attention!]
Announcements
Well, the big news, of course, is Steve and Denise's engagement. The wedding is set for th ... read more
