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The Holmes Family Newsletter

A Newsletter With A Mission In Life!
Vol. 1, No. 9
Worldwide Circulation
November 21, 1989
The Environmental Issue

Only 34 days 'til Christmas

And where will this year's celebration be? Well, Lucy has offered to sacrifice her house for the cause. But, if you want to host A Holmes Family Christmas at your house, go ahead. Nobody really cares, just so long as it's somewhere. Either way, there's time to think about it.
If you have any suggestions or questions, send them in a self-addressed stamped envelope to The Holmes Family Newsletter.

Bill locks himself in apartment

As you may know, Bill caught the garter belt at the reception. Well, apparently, he has locked himself in his apartment and refuses to leave. "I don't want to get married!," he stated. "I can't afford it." We will keep you posted on this crisis situation.

GERMAN PERSPECTIVE

This week, live via satellite from Germany, we interviewed Mike (Remember him?)

  • Newsletter: So, Mike, what's your favorite newsletter?
  • Mike: I still think it [The Holmes Family Newsletter] is a great idea. Keep up the good work!
  • Newsletter: What do you do for a living?
  • Mike: I've decided to become a professional mason. That's right, all my experience in renovating bathrooms is finally paying off. Of course, it's not the best way to learn German, hanging around plumbers and electricians all day.
  • Newsletter: What did you do last weekend?
  • Mike: I went last weekend to Zurich, Switzerland to see the Salvador Dali Exhibition. Wow! It was overwhelming. So much Dali. But, after a while, you seen one melting clock, you've seen 'em all. I think if I ever had too much money, I would move to Zurich and become a commoner. Move over, Rodeo Drive. Bahnhofstrasse in Zurich is the place to be cosmopolitan.

THE ENVIRONMENT

by Doug

For those of us who would like to get involved in a cause, here are a few going on in the California area:

FORESTS: Called "ancient" or "old growth" forests by conservationists, portions of the Pacific Northwest, including Mount Shasta, the Trinity Alps, the coastal mountains around Eureka, and the rest of the Giant Redwoods, are under severe threat of being "clear-cut" (totally leveled) by the timber industry to pay off debts. "Liquidating" trees is happening. Fortunately, however, groups like the Sierra Club and the Wilderness Society are taking the timber companies to court to try and stop this "liquidation." After being "clear-cut", the forest is then replanted with whatever happens to be the fastest-growing tree from the area, and only that type of tree. This creates a "mono-culture" and makes the area uninhabitable to creatures that once were there. Possibly even more important, the soil is then open to erosion, making it impossible to grow things there anymore. Soil erosion hurts the fishing, too, by silting up gravel beds used by salmon and trout.
Much of the privately-owned forests have already been cut down in recent decades. And now they want the National Forests too, which belong to all of us.

WATERFOWL: The Nature Conservancy and Ducks Unlimited, along with the Sierra Club and Audubon Society, are continuing to buy up land and designate wetland areas as wildlife sanctuaries. Wetlands around California and the rest of the U.S., not to mention other countries, are vanishing quickly to developers of new condos, malls, marinas, etc. In an effort to keep viable populations of birds and other wildlife, environmental groups have enlisted the landowners' cooperation in preserving the wetlands instead of draining them to plant crops and for other reasons. Ninety-five percent of California's original wetlands are now gone. Many areas remain unprotected.

[If you wish to contribute to any of the above causes, please send your contributions or questions directly to the above-named organizations. Don't bother the people at The Newsletter. They'll just keep any money you send, anyway.]

Dad not perfect!

Family Stunned

In an exclusive interview behind closed doors with the Holmes Family Newsletter, Dad revealed that he is not that model of perfection that everyone thought he was. Eleanor refuses to believe it. Doug was left speechless (so you know he was shocked.)

HOW TO BE AN USHER

by Bill Holmes

Many people have asked me, "Bill, what's it like being an usher?" And I tell them flat out, "It's not as easy as you might think. Being an usher requires tremendous responsibility. First, there's the rigorous training one must go through. It's called "rehearsal".
And then, of course, there's the actual wedding. It's a lot of hard work. Let's say some old lady is trying to find her seat, and it's taking her forever because of those itty-bitty steps she takes, and it's holding up the whole wedding. Who do they call on to get her out of the way so the wedding can go on? The usher. And what about when a fight breaks out over who gets to sit closest to the bathroom? Or when a couple of snot-nosed little brats start shooting spit-wads at each other and one of those spit wads puts out somebody's eye, and you try to grab the snot-nosed kids with one hand and feel around under the pews for the victim's eye with the other hand because it fell out onto the ground and you have to find it before somebody steps on it, and ... well, okay, so that never happens. But it could. And it's the usher's job to make sure it never does." That's what I tell someone when they ask me what it's like to be an usher.

For your copy of the paperback version of "How To Be An Usher", send all your money to The Holmes Family Newsletter.


PLEASE RECYCLE. USE THIS NEWSLETTER AS TOILET PAPER AFTER YOU'VE FINISHED READING IT. THANK YOU

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