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The Leaky Faucet

Vol. 4, No. 2, February 13, 1992
"The quintessential newsletter."
Warning: May not be suitable for the humor impaired.

Elvis lives!

Yes, all your prayers have been answered! "The King" is alive and well! We know this for a fact because we saw it on a t.v. special hosted by Bill Bixby, "The Elvis Conspiracy." Elvis is now apparently living somewhere near Cleveland.

Galaxy sold

The Milky Way Galaxy was apparently sold the other day. Who bought it? Probably the Japanese. [wait a minute] Sorry, our wire service feed was garbled. It wasn't the Milky Way Galaxy, but "Galaxy," Tiffany's horse that was sold. Who bought it? Probably the Japanese.

Greg, June and family tour California

We sent a reporter out after them, but due to Greg's evasive tactics, the reporter was never able to catch them. We do know this much: Andy's favorite of Lucy's dogs is "Cougie."

Lucy to undergo surgery

Lucy threw her back out a few weeks ago, and now she faces the prospect of undergoing excruciatingly painful surgery. We asked her about the upcoming surgery and she replied, "Well, Diane told me all about her back surgery — saying how much fun it was and everything — so I'm not worried. In fact, I'm looking forward to it! Who wouldn't? If it's anything like the MRI [magnetic resonance imaging] that I went through earlier — you know, where they put you on a slab and slide you into this tube and clamp it shut, making you feel like you're being buried alive — what's there to worry about?" Sounds like fun.

Doug snags hot mall

Doug will be set up in Sacramento's best mall, Arden Fair, for the entire month of March! What a coup!
Also on the Doug front, he currently has a toll free "800" number. But it's only available for a limited time, so call him now while it's still free! The number is 1-800-xxx-xxxx.

Sacto man honored

Lionel Holmes of Sacramento was recently given an Award of Merit for Publications by the Sacramento County Historical Society for his book, "Portuguese Pioneers of the Sacramento Area." They gave him a plaque and everything. You should see it. It's hanging on his wall. You can't miss it. As you walk into his office, it'll be on your left.
CONGRATULATIONS, Dad!

INTERVIEW

  • Leaky: So, you're moving to Nashville?
  • Don: Yes, that's right. Just as soon as Diane's back is completely healed.
  • LF Why?
  • Don: Because it would be stupid to move before Diane's feeling up to it.
  • LF No. I mean, why Nashville?
  • Don: Why not? You have something against Nashville?
  • LF No, no. It's just that this is an interview, see, and I'm supposed to ask these tough questions. I'm just doing my job.
  • Don: Saying it's your job doesn't make it right.
  • LF But, why Nashville?
  • Don: You ask that question one more time, and I'll have to punch you!
  • [brief pause taken while interviewer changes his underwear]
  • INTERVIEW (cont'd)
  • LF: There, I feel much better now. So, nice weather we're having, isn't it?
  • Don: That does it! This is the stupidest interview I've been subjected to! Goodbye!
  • LF: Please don't leave! I could lose my job over this!
  • Don: Well, thank God for that!

WANTED:

An experienced interviewer who knows that the hell he or she is doing!

WANTED:

Plastic-coated twist ties (those little strips with wire in the middle, used for sealing plastic bags). Any size, but must be plastic-coated. Respond immediately to 510-xxx-xxxx if you have any of these things.

JOKES

  • Bill (during a Scrabble game): "I'm thinking, I'm thinking!"
  • Dad: "I thought I smelled something burning."

  • Customs Agent to Arriving Passenger: "Welcome to Los Angeles. Any physical imperfections to declare?"

NUPTIALS

Eleanor's granddaughter, her son Jon's daughter, Alicia, is getting married to somebody's grandson Saturday, February 29 in Phoenix.

BIRTHDAYS, ETC.

  • Valentine's Day Massacre Feb. 14
  • Don Feb. 16
  • President's Day Feb. 17
  • Eleanor Feb. 22
  • Dad & Eleanor's Anniversary March 1

DOG NEWS

  • Lucy's male German shepherd, Cougar, lifted his leg and peed on a bush for the first time in his life! Isn't that incredible?! All the other dogs cheered.
  • Lucy's other male dog, Stormy, performed stud services for the first time in his life just a few days later. Manly dog that Stormy is, we're quite sure he'll soon be a father. Congratulations!
  • Lucy's dog, Coyote, had the cast on her hind leg removed a couple of days ago, and she is recovering nicely. Coyote is doing okay, too. Says Michael, "She'll be jumping fences again in no time."
  • Jeannie recently had her dog, Cedar, sprayed, er that is, spayed.
  • And last but not least (I hate that cliche, don't you?), Jeannie's dog Chance is currently in training for her "AD" certificate, whatever that is. It sounds impressive.

SPORTS UPDATE

  • The San Francisco Giants are moving to San Jose effective Opening Day 1996! What? And leave beloved Candlestick Park? I was just getting over the Giants' move from New York! (So what if they moved before I was born? You're missing the point entirely.)
  • Bill Holmes, our resident tennis pro, played quite a bit of tennis this past week. His first test was against Michael of Livingston. [redacted] won 6-0, 6-4. A couple of days later, Bill played Doug (no relation). Doug won 6-1, 6-3. They played again the very next day, and Bill got some revenge, winning the first set 6-4, before forfeiting the match due to a strained back.
    Bill's personal chiropractor, Diane (no relation), had this to say: "Bill neglected to stretch properly before the match. It's no wonder he threw his back out. He's always doing stupid things like that."

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